[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
San Francisco has too many rules
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur