[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
You Might Also Like
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Never let them know your next move 😂
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!