@david8hughes

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

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@PorkUrPine

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

@GensPlace

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

@LostFelicia

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

@AndyAsAdjective

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”