[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*