[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Pass gas, not judgment.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
This 4th of July, please remember…
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.