[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.