[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?