[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
No laws when master is gone
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
(by @ZachWeiner )
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.