I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.
5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.
By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.