@rebrafsim

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

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@HighOnDrunk

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@b_griff88

The cable company is sending a guy out between 1:00 and 2017.

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

@SergioValenCo

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

@theekillerqueen

I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.

5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.

@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@TheBoydP

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.