[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
what
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?