[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.