[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
eggs benadryl
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!