@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

@LosLos__

Her: I do.

And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

@NurseSeymour

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

@moose_chocolate

Some might say I peed my pants.

I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.

#bt140

@FlyJ_

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]