[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Her: I do.
And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Some might say I peed my pants.
I like to say I voided my bladder into my trousers like the classy refined gentleman that I am.
This is my cat’s medicine.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman