[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?