The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
You Might Also Like
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
Meanwhile in Ireland.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf