@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

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@Scorpio1080

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@ficklenuts

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@TheCatWhisprer

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

@AdderallMomma

I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf