[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
How deep is your love?
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