[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.