[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me trying to look natural in photos
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.