[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
That’s no pocket rocket.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.