ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.