[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

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ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist


If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.


Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?


Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad


If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.


Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?


My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.