@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

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@rachelle_mandik

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@generaldietz

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

@okmatchhead

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@mommy_cusses

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.