[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
<—- homeless romantic
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.