[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
inside you are two wolves
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
it’s the silliest best thing
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?