[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD