[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

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I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.


[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.


What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.


Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*


[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”


GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess


You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.