I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
If you are reading this you are probably not blind.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Paranoid? I don’t even know what that word means. I don’t have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.