[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.