[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.

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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”


Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.


Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink


Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL


What’s your WiFi pw?
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?


in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’


You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.