MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.