[first day as a psychic]

Boss: You’re fired.

Me: Man, I did not see that coming.

Boss: And now you know why.

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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.


My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.


im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time


My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars


“Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?”

“Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first…filter.”


*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal


Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.


Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.