[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.