ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.