@ohen39

[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now

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@ianpauldukes

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@SCbchbum

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

@daemonic3

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

@Scigglez

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

@rohoxbaby

Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”

@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.