Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
You Might Also Like
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*
This is awesome.