I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
That’s not how days work.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.