[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
😎 🍻
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
i baked you a cake
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾