[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters