[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes