Guide to DIY:
1. Double the cost estimate.
2. Double the time it should take.
3. Live with it for 3 months
4. Hire someone to fix it.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
god: it also makes quiche
I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.
I have a new favorite meme page
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
This is everything