[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes