@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

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@Eightinchgoat

Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.

@ThisOneSayz

Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

@bocxtop

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

@just1fool

I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.

@Holy_Mowgli

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

@RunOldMan

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.