[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”