[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”


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“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”


Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry


Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”