People who say love is dead have obviously never seen me eat a burrito.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*taps mic twice*
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You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”