[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
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Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.