@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

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@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@MooseAllain

“I’ve built a model of Mount Everest”
“Is that to scale?”
“No, just to look at”

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@turbomanatee

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”