*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
You Might Also Like
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.