@Rollmaninoz

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

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@TheDailySchmuck

Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@envydatropic

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@Rachelnoise

15: MOM, WHERE’S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?!
Me: Name THREE songs & I’ll help you look for it.
15: …

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’

@BoogTweets

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.