*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Every haunted house movie:
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Good morning
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*