@Donnie_Fairburn

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

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@mommajessiec

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

@joshgondelman

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

@Shock_Monster

So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I’m a douche.nnBatman does it & it’s a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked