[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
You Might Also Like
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I don’t get marriage
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I already tried new things thanks.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late