Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

@BradBroaddus

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

@Teowulf

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

@ShipInTheKnight

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs