[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

You Might Also Like


I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”


I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.


Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?


New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.


Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.


[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”



Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*