[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

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Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont


Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.


The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.


Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?



Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.


We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.


If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying


[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS


It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs