@daddydoubts

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

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@AaronFullerton

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@thatUPSdude

Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?

@Ham_Tornado

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@filmbizpro

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

@zachreinert03

Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*