I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[First day as a surgeon]
[Last day as surgeon]
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I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: Want some of my nachos?
Coworker: I don’t like nachos.
Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*