[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.