[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.