[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage