[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.