Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.