[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
You Might Also Like
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.