[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My blood type is b hungry.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“no gods no masters” = leo
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.