by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.