[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either