[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

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Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you


put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream


I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.


I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?


I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.


Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer


It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.