Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”
spot whats sandpaper like?
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!