@JohnLyonTweets

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

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@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

@fuzzlime

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@Aspersioncast

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@professorkiosk

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

@chrislhayes

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.