[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.