[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel


coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name


[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti


Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”


spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving


I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.


“you should have used a tag”
[a horse emerges on luggage belt]
noone else has brought a horse linda
[another horse appears]
oh FFS


my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”


Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!