@eff_yeah_steph

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

You Might Also Like

@HansGrubertron

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@BoozyMusic

My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

@UncleDuke1969

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

@Marcmywords2

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

@garrydavenport

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

@WICKEDTRUTH01

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

@david8hughes

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@TheDreamGhoul

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university