[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

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I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.


Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.


I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.


Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.


ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten


*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”



Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.


Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.