[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes