[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.