[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

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What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.


Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.


Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting


Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.


A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.


[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*