@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

@JermHimselfish

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@Megatronic13

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

@dreamthievin

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

@thatdutchperson

[job interview]

“And how do you deal with things that cause you stress?”

Me:*remembering that I haven’t opened my voicemail in 6 years*

“effectively.”