@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

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@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@shutupmikeginn

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

@Bandersnaaatch

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

@ieatanddrink

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

@TweetPotato314

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

@jergarl

hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate

@reallifemommy3

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

@romiza_

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this