H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
me: yes but where
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I’m trying to kill mosquitoes*
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this