@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

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@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@Glennot73

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

@SSparklesDaily

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@GoodZiIIa

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

@shawn_spree

My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.

@momtribevibe

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.