[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

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Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*


therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no


Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.


Your overexposure to Korean pop music last year will be nothing compared to your overexposure to Korean nuclear radiation this year.


Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds


The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.


[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation


My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.


My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.