[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.