[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”